My First Transcendence: The Winter Solstice 2018 in Melbourne
Updated: Jan 1, 2021
The experience I had during my meditation on the Winter Solstice, 2018. Guided, 2 Hours.
Written and reflected 13 July 2018 & 26 July 2018 Edited 31 August, 2018
I was no where, everywhere or somewhere. I wasn’t meant to know. Somewhere beyond time or space. Where we exist; to learn or to teach. The image came to me, cloudy at first. Seeing without my glasses. I was bare. It was needed to see things clearly. I can only truly see when I am there.
It was the deepest of night in the forest. No city for years, no humans for lifetimes. It was the most beautiful scene, but I couldn’t see much. It was indigo; only the moon lit what she wanted. A lake in the distance, a bit away and down the mountain. A fire had been set for us; large, wild and strong. She has been burning for longer than time itself. The scene was a gift, the place was a gift. For the ceremony. I wasn’t told what was happening. I was safe and welcomed. No words were spoken but there were many languages understood. I understood clearly from where I perceived it all. Out of body. Out of time. It was all a gift.
It was a gift from them, there were many of them for me. The Masters. The Guides. The Teachers. They come, when they are needed, when they choose. They decide. We have no control over so much. We know so little. And they came to me. I was so grateful.
She needed to die. She had endured so much…her life had served its purpose. But it was time. She needed to die.
She was me. The me that had been created out of this lifetime. (The Pain Body, as Eckart defines). The torture of life, the sadness of reality. The whys I had scratched & clawed over; time and time again. Etched into oblivion…over and over….why me? Why this life? What does it mean? Why did this happen? Why does love hurt? Why does trust sting? Why was I put here? (I didn’t ask to be born) Why did sex feel wrong with him? When do I receive? I’m always asked to give… Why this life? Why me? WHY? Why…why….why? Answer me! I didn’t deserve this! I’ve been angry! Justify my scars! My pain. My blood.
WHY MY WHY MY WHY MY WHY MY WHY MY WHY MY WHY MY WHY MY WHY MY WHY .....
Justify this, Sarah! Someone needs to tell me! Someone must know! Swirling in my own. Clouded by the hurt. The gloss of these tears still dripping, infinitely from tired eyes. I’ve wept for eternity. Screamed silently, since birth…maybe before. (who could know). I know now I’m not meant to know. A lifetime built by the WHY. The question. Searching. Never an answer. There will never be an answer. There never was an answer. But, WHY MY WHY my why my….why…..my……why
Why nothing. She needed to die. It was time. I mourned for her, deeply and without shame. She had carried me through it all. There was real pain, wrong pain. Twisted & disturbingly evil. Energies too damaged to see the light shining within me. I was taught love from someone in the deepest of pains. No one was ready for me. No one knew. For this pain, I have wept. I have served. I have loved. I gave. From me they sourced….none of them knew what I was. I loved for them all. I gave enough for them all. What was needed, was taken. And the infinite source? The light they took from? What of her? The source…….provided. What was needed. What was left? That didn’t matter. That never mattered. They didn’t know she was a source. They didn’t know she was a light. So they took. And they drank.
What was left? She endured.
Tonight, she died. With her the story finally silenced. I wept inside, I wept outside, here & now and there as well. I deeply mourned in this moment. She was so strong. She had been given nothing. She knew nothing. There were times that I had thought I WAS her. She didn’t deserve any of this. But now she is dead. With stillness comes peace. She is now free. We are both becoming free. I knew there was something more to come. That she did not suffer in vein, that she had never screamed silently (how was she to know); that every word had been received. That she was now home. That she was not meant to know the how’s, or the why’s. Just that it ● is. And that all is well.
This moment in darkness, her pale body becoming cold, was for her and I alone. It was silent in the woods, in a small clearing, in the thickly wooded forest of the somewhere. Just myself, me and the trees. Time, space, realizations, moments all came and went quickly. Without transition, without fear. Visions were experienced as they were presented. I saw her(me) curled up on the ground. As you would lay on your side, after a glorious Savasna. As you would in bed, alone or companioned. As you would in your Cry Spot; a place I would crawl into when being screamed at, by another tortured someone. As you would after death, when the light has left this body. As you would….lay. That’s how she was laying. Curled, on her side and at peace.
My consciousness was devastated here. I knew she had to die. I knew this moment was coming, and I knew it was real. She was my security blanket. The veil I threw on when the world seemed too much. She was my justification for never being truly venerable. (THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LOVE) She had felt real pain, many times, many places. So I had carried it, all of it, and her with me. For infinity. To justify to the world: this is WHY I am the way I am! Because of this! I have endured! I had built my scars to be my armor…too thick to touch what was real anymore. Too dense to feel the gentle breeze. My war cries too loud to hear the beauty in stillness & silence. I had KNOWN above all, that I couldn’t function without her. Without my pain(body); without my scars. Who really is underneath it all? I was afraid to look (inside).
I wept as I covered her. I ebbed and flowed with my sobs; reaching for gently fallen leaves gifted by the forest trees. Grass…dirt….debris…death; becoming a blanket of warmth. Of comfort. Small knowns in an unknown moment. She was covered in silence, my cries the only calming sound that could be heard. A sound I can never forget. A soothing hymn, one that has sung me to sleep for a lifetime of unanswered pain. Comfort from what is. Comfort from breath and repetition. Comforting self. From a bleeding heart. Self loving self. Self loving the unloved, unsung.
I was given a quiet place to grieve. A stage for myself and I. It was quite special. I felt safe and alone. In a blackened unknown. How could this be? The whispered questions began to creep but at once, clarity: there were to be no questions. I was to receive this moment. I knew somehow, was told, and understood quickly. There would be rebirth. I was to trust. This moment (one) would not last forever. These would come and go. There would be many more times. I had a lot to learn. I had a lot to share. But this one was special. And this time was for me.
[The scene changed quickly. In one moment I am crying with her(me). I am hugging her, the space she used to occupy. And quickly…. that time was over. Accept what is. Accept what has. This is what change feels like. Feel this breath. Feel it. Breathe it in now. Breathe it out now. During this time, and always, we only have our breathe. Come back to this magical reality as often as you can. We breathe in magic, we breathe out magic, we are magic.]
I am now back at the fire but the fire has turned into a ritual, burial, sacrifice of the dead. A platform as been created for us. Tall and very strong; a gift made by them. This will hold the weight of it all. She(I) had been placed there. Serene, eyes closed, calm. At peace. Wrapped up with gentle care. Strong love and compassion. Understanding of the ritual; the process. She was wrapped by one who has done so for thousands of years. She was(is) a goddess. I was standing now a goddess. I still have much to learn here. The me that lives on is true. The she that has died was to serve me. She served her purpose; she was very brave. Now the goddess lives on.
I was overwhelmed with gratitude. Loss…love…sadness…fear…. I was now alone. I had to be strong. I knew I had to be strong. I knew I would be strong. I know I had been strong. (I knew time did not exist. I knew I was safe.) I knew this was real. I knew this was love. I wanted to say thank you. I wanted to give something. It brings joy, to give. We are meant to serve. Even in the darkest hour, the light is strong within me. It had always been strong….and now it can be seen. She was gone. And I remained.
What I see as time, changed. It did not feel strange or rushed; just needed. The moment that had been needed, was not anymore. So it changed to this one. Who controls it is not a question. What happens, does, because of what is needed from the moment.
[Consistency in presence is completely needed to perceive this reality. Only a few times during my meditation did my mind wander. The present reality, as well as what my simple mind had then focused on both became clear in this new, higher, minds eye that had opened during this experience. The simplicity of the human brain and what was happening was all completely clear. I did not need these answers. I did not need to question what was happening, how I was perceiving this moment or even any of the larger, energy questions that you would think would come up when on this platform. But none of that came. It was quiet. It was knowing. It was warm. It was lovely. It was peace.]
The scene that was now the moment, was exactly the same as the view I had seen before. The only difference now was that the body, my pain(body), as well as the entire platform she had been wrapped up and then placed on, was now completely engulfed in a magnificent fire. A massive and most glorious blaze that had been lit from an individual spark. Taken from the first, infinite fire we all kept warm from, from the very beginning. She was to be burned. Reborn. Given back to Mother Earth. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Stardust we are. Stardust we came. Stardust we become. The infinite circle. Pain becoming strength becomes nothing becomes energy becomes energy becomes energy. Different stories get clouded into the one. Different languages merge into one. Sound. Energy is all. From it we come/go/came/went. Merging. Burning. Regenerating. Feeding. Viewing this flame was viewing all. Experiencing this flame is experiencing all. We are all. We come from all. We go to all. We are. I am.
It comes and goes so quickly. When time is not real, nothing holds us here. Experiencing it seems so right. It feels so right. Nothing is to be questioned. Nothing was man-made. It just is. What is needed, is there. What is not, is not. Simple ways. Not to be questioned. They just are.
[So: be here, in it. Time will lose all control.]
We all experienced this moment together, the Masters and I. We are communicating, honoring the death. Honoring the love, the light…the being. I was smiling here. She was so loved! She had always been loved. I never knew then, all those years of pain. It was amazing to feel. So much warmth came from this moment. I was so grateful. My heart felt fuller than possible. Love was a feeling that exploded from the inside: our deepest home. Gratitude was felt singularly. As if nothing else in existence could possibly compete with this magic. Gratitude overpowered everything inside and out. I wanted to say thank you. I wanted to give a gift. I knew now that an exchange was to be made. I was to offer something. I love giving! What joy out of heartache & unforeseen pain! This was a gift for my heart: to be able to give freely. I had been given this blessing. Now for my present? What gift out of the infinite can you give to the infinite? To the Masters that came to me, how do you honor and show the gratitude that is felt, when it is the most powerful you’ve ever felt them? This exchange. How do you honor it? My heart searched for what my minds eye would find.
I reached into my light, so far and wide inside my being. To the starts, the night sky we are deep within. To the four corners of myself, as far as my minds eye could see, as far as these long arms could reach (I now know why, I was given these long arms; they could grasp the stars.) I reached beyond love, beyond pain, beyond life. To the deepest parts of myself, and grasped what I could. Four bits of stardust, from the deepest and most remote places, the four corners of my deepest self. Into the infinite I found my gifts to give. I held them in my hands; hands left on top of right. In my hands, held close to my heart…close. Safe. They would be kept safe. They would be loved! I was so grateful to give. So I gave. I said thank you. I honored the Masters. I honored the moment(gift). I honored their presence. I honored knowledge. I honored my self & all. I honored the ceremony, the sacrifice; my(self) & them. All. A moment of gratitude, that grew from deep pain. A gift of stardust. A gift of myself. A gift to all. I was grateful. I bowed to them. I thought it would be ending soon. And I stayed with the moment, in tears, for a goodbye. I was wrong.
The moment again changed. The Masters and I were present again around the first fire, as she burned and would, forever and all. It seemed like we had come back to rest, to be ready for a new journey ahead. The moment to mourn was complete. The moment of sacrifice had come and gone. And now I was to receive once more. There were gifts to be given to the goddess, to me. I was to receive something here. They knew this moment and seemed confident. This was the moment that had the most purpose to them. The before was for me to be ready. They know so much. We as humans know so very little. (We have access! Trust the process. Keep listening.)
I can see them all in front of me as I write, so many Masters came. I will forever be grateful. They had gifts for me to keep. To know I have had already. Gifts to cherish, to honor. As sacred. Self loving self loving all.
There were four; to match. (What you give, you receive).
Elements. Pieces of the whole. Four, were given.
EARTH. In stones. A selenite wand & marble had been acquired that day, and this was not by accident. These hold power. Precious stones, herbs, healing, loving. Gifts from The Mother (Earth) to help and heal. Use them I was told. To help. To mend. To teach. To enjoy. They have power. In the Earth I will find strength. In the earth, there is magic.
Thank you. I bowed.
AIR. In two parts: scent & in breath. Scent is powerful and can heal & love. Learn with breath, heal with scent. Protect with scent. Enjoy with scent. Teach with it, prosper! (Aromatherapy holds power) There is so much here to be shared. I have much to learn, yes. We connect to our infinite with breath. In we come, out we leave. Everything starts and ends with breath. We live! We survive. We love, with breath. To breathe & to be, is to know. Time loses power when we come to our breath. Sit and breathe, count them if you’d like. Count the infinite magic! We connect to our infinite with purposeful, enjoyed, conscious breath.
Thank you. I bowed.
WATER. I was told, is a gift I have always possessed. I carry it, deeply. Unknowing, though, its true home/need/power. I never knew, but soon I will know. With the growth of my hair, waves cascading down in its own concrete form, I will find its home and rightful place. Grow my hair I was told, let it fall, and with it, water will find its home within me. There is much to be said of my hair; wars have been fought, lifetimes spent (there is a story here). Grow my hair, do not keep short. Let the water flow freely and intensely. And see what happens. It is a gift, I accepted.
Thank you. I bowed.
FIRE. A flame. Being held. Close to the heart of a Master, was now in sight. Sourced (sustainably) from the infinite fire. The one from the beginning, the one that kept us warm, the one that sparked, the one that shared, the one we went back to, the one we stood at now, a small piece was now held. This fire. Sourced. From strength. From courage. From life itself! To live and let the world SEE! To dance as if EVERYONE is watching. To lead as if as well. To BECOME. To take a rightful place. The power in the fire, is not to be mistreated. Is not to be disrespected. Is to be loved and revered. With passion! There is so much power in the fire. There is so much love in this fire. It is made from love itself. From the Mother. In this spark, from the source of light & courage itself. From gratitude itself. This flame, came from that home. That sacred place, where everything begins and ends. Where time does not exist. In this space, meant to teach & honor. Where fire was born, a small piece had been sourced, and was meant for me.
The Fire was the only tangible gift that was given that I was meant to reach out, accept and take. I did not know how, whatever form I was in at the time was not always clear to me, I was to receive, I was to perceive, so I stood with gratitude. I breathed thank you, closed my minds eye, and bowed again to the Masters. I stayed in this moment, breathing, grateful (these tears). Upon opening my minds eye, coming back to this place, I saw it clearly for the first time. The fire that had been given, was now placed deep within me. Inside my core, my solar plexus, my space, in the temple I built, the happiest of happy places, the safest of places. Inside the self. This flame, was now home I was told. Inside me, resides courage, deep love & passion, knowledge, LOVE, joy, prosperity! Abundance. Growth. It all now lives, inside the fire, inside the flame, inside this being. Inside of me. I was overwhelmed with the strongest gratitude I had ever expierenced. I am grateful now as I write, as I read. I feel its power deep within. I felt it then. I felt quite calm. I felt a sense of being that I had never known before. A sense of belonging. To the stars. To us all. To myself. I was home, surrounded by love and compassion. Surrounded by acceptance. Swirls of joy enveloped each of us, magical rings of smoke, sourced from the flame. The air itself celebrated around us all. The elements were rejoicing. Dancing around us all, the Gods, the Masters and the goddess. A spiritual celebration of energetic goodness, madness & joy. The Mother was breathing, we felt the pulse of everything and all, existing. The world became more connected that day, clearer now to be appreciated. How expressive our universe is! How bizarre to not see, but then again, compassion: when its time…. we are shown. When it was time for me, when I showed up to experience this moment. When I told the universe: yes, I am open to receive. I am open to receive all the blessings of the universe. I never knew, how amazing I couldn’t see, the Masters were there. They listened and came. They listened, they were always listening. I had always been safe, I would always be here, I was home.
[Something I’ve learned: when we feel as though we have been searching, desperately, for the answer. Find a solid moment of clarity within this chaos, find a way to stop and breathe. Know that for sure, you are not meant to know this answer. Let it go. Put it down. Let this burden glide off you. From your shoulders, down your back, down to the Mother (Earth) to be transmuted. You naturally, just do not need to know. That answer will come, when it’s time. Let that free you! Not be an added burden, to that load of questions & troubles you carry. Put it down.]
My experience would fade, slowly, in and out until the meditation was guided to a close. I was in a led two-hour Yin experience for the Winter Solstice and knew beforehand that what was to happen would be brief, but extraordinarily powerful. A moment within moments, to change this life completely. To show the first few steps of the path I have been meaning to saunter down for as long as....
The road has been long, and not so arduous when observed as a complete. But actually, so wonderfully, entirely worth any troubles I’ve seen. Not through the eyes of the pain(body); distorted by time. But with a clearer image, seen from behind the observer. A life enjoyed accurately; in the little things which bring such pure presence. Joy, in a book read while lounging, effortlessly on the strong arm of a favorite tree. Gratitude, for the inherent empathy I’ve known deep within my soul. A superpower, for the goddess. Strength, in staying deep in meditation. Longer then I ever thought I could.
It took a long time to process this experience and an even longer time to find the courage to write it. This is the beginning of something, what it is, I am not meant to know right now. But now, my story truly begins. Please share with me how this reading makes you feel.
With love. With strength, with all.